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Jan. 30th, 2019 02:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jkatkinaI would say it’s been a strange week, but — they’ve all been strange these days, haven’t they?
I’ve been thinking about family a lot. It’s a topic that summons up a lot of anxiety lately, because it’s been kind of low-key bad for so long. I don’t see the brother who lives in the same city (same neighbourhood, even) that often, and I don’t know whether it’s because we don’t drop by often or they don’t invite us often or both — I mean, obviously both, but. How do other people do that? Am I supposed to just drop by at random? Honestly I hate that idea. It was made for extroverts and it makes me squeem. And then I end up feeling like I’ve failed some ill-articulated test because I’m sure Jenn sees her sisters more than Mat sees me.
And so the stakes are high whenever we do have plans. I think this was all triggered off because, when my brother invited TL and I over for a brief visit on New Years, when the date rolled around, I was in the middle of a pretty bad depressive episode and had to cancel. I think he was mad about that in the passive-aggressive manner my family tends to be -- he's turned down subsequent invitations to visit. It's been eating me up, and that's so dumb. One visit shouldn't be so high-stakes that having to cancel leaves me worrying for weeks.
It's not new. My whole family is so bad at staying in contact with one another, which straight sucks since we’re scattered over two provinces. My mom guilts me for not being in better contact with her every time we talk, but like.... she never calls either? It’s like with my brothers, with an extra serving of guilt.
I should call dad. He had brain surgery a few months ago and we went to help him out immediately following the surgery for a while, but he and I have only talked a couple times since. My brothers I guess I can take or leave at my own prerogative: I get the impression that they’ve both got better things to do, more important relationships to maintain, than their little sibling, so the onus will be on me. And communicating with Mom is a never-ending stress point. But dad deserves better.
I don’t know. I wish my parents hadn’t had to split up. I wish I meant something to my brothers. I love the idea of family, but mine has been glacially drifting apart since I was 13 and I’m not clear on how to arrest that drift.
On the upside, we visited our friends on the weekend! E put the kids down for a nap like the moment we arrived, and we managed to zip through Bandersnatch before they woke up. Victory! I still find Black Mirror to be the tritest form of misery porn, but they did some interesting things with the format! At least one end made me cackle aloud, and it was a cool exploration of the video game industry in the UK in the 80s (so specific :B).
I think I would have eaten it up when I was younger. It dives into symbolism and the meta of destiny and self-determination in a way that would be much more interesting if it wasn’t also slyly trying to insinuate “and aren’t you a bad person for playing this terrible game we set up”. Undertale did it better. If you’re trying to make a point about how people will take the abhorrent options in the Choose Your Own Adventure novel you made, you better also acknowledge that the whole thing is artifice that you set up, and if we’re bad people for playing it, you’re sure as hell a bad person for making it. That or that (GASP) your audience can tell the difference between fantasy and reality, and humans have a tendency to stare into the void when we know it’s safe to.
:BBB I have beef
And, ah! I wish I could talk about work. We just got word down the pipes that we’ve made a bid for a VERY COOL show. AHH. Ahhh. ahhhhhhh.
I’ve been thinking about family a lot. It’s a topic that summons up a lot of anxiety lately, because it’s been kind of low-key bad for so long. I don’t see the brother who lives in the same city (same neighbourhood, even) that often, and I don’t know whether it’s because we don’t drop by often or they don’t invite us often or both — I mean, obviously both, but. How do other people do that? Am I supposed to just drop by at random? Honestly I hate that idea. It was made for extroverts and it makes me squeem. And then I end up feeling like I’ve failed some ill-articulated test because I’m sure Jenn sees her sisters more than Mat sees me.
And so the stakes are high whenever we do have plans. I think this was all triggered off because, when my brother invited TL and I over for a brief visit on New Years, when the date rolled around, I was in the middle of a pretty bad depressive episode and had to cancel. I think he was mad about that in the passive-aggressive manner my family tends to be -- he's turned down subsequent invitations to visit. It's been eating me up, and that's so dumb. One visit shouldn't be so high-stakes that having to cancel leaves me worrying for weeks.
It's not new. My whole family is so bad at staying in contact with one another, which straight sucks since we’re scattered over two provinces. My mom guilts me for not being in better contact with her every time we talk, but like.... she never calls either? It’s like with my brothers, with an extra serving of guilt.
I should call dad. He had brain surgery a few months ago and we went to help him out immediately following the surgery for a while, but he and I have only talked a couple times since. My brothers I guess I can take or leave at my own prerogative: I get the impression that they’ve both got better things to do, more important relationships to maintain, than their little sibling, so the onus will be on me. And communicating with Mom is a never-ending stress point. But dad deserves better.
I don’t know. I wish my parents hadn’t had to split up. I wish I meant something to my brothers. I love the idea of family, but mine has been glacially drifting apart since I was 13 and I’m not clear on how to arrest that drift.
On the upside, we visited our friends on the weekend! E put the kids down for a nap like the moment we arrived, and we managed to zip through Bandersnatch before they woke up. Victory! I still find Black Mirror to be the tritest form of misery porn, but they did some interesting things with the format! At least one end made me cackle aloud, and it was a cool exploration of the video game industry in the UK in the 80s (so specific :B).
I think I would have eaten it up when I was younger. It dives into symbolism and the meta of destiny and self-determination in a way that would be much more interesting if it wasn’t also slyly trying to insinuate “and aren’t you a bad person for playing this terrible game we set up”. Undertale did it better. If you’re trying to make a point about how people will take the abhorrent options in the Choose Your Own Adventure novel you made, you better also acknowledge that the whole thing is artifice that you set up, and if we’re bad people for playing it, you’re sure as hell a bad person for making it. That or that (GASP) your audience can tell the difference between fantasy and reality, and humans have a tendency to stare into the void when we know it’s safe to.
:BBB I have beef
And, ah! I wish I could talk about work. We just got word down the pipes that we’ve made a bid for a VERY COOL show. AHH. Ahhh. ahhhhhhh.
