jkatkina

Some days I struggle with self-isolation, but it's interesting: it's the same way I struggle with weekend days without plans even when the world isn't ending. There's a pattern to it: I get up, sit around on the computer, feel unable to do anything active or productive, and just spiral down from there into frustration and anger and feelings of self-worthlessness. Or I am gentle with myself and let myself do nothing, and I.... do nothing. I end the day feeling groggy and a little bit gummy.

Or on days when I actually get things done, I struggle with the manic sense of "today's a GODO DAY gotta KEEP DOING THINGS while I can". I'm getting better at letting go of that, but it really feels like some quirk of my psychology has set it up so that I just can't win.

Part of it is that there's a little, tiny extra barrier-of-entry to doing anything creative when there's someone else physically in the room with me (or on bad days, in the house with me at all). I feel obliged to keep track of the emotional state of anyone I'm with, just a little bit -- and then also, I feel like if I start doing anything, I'm going to get interrupted, which is an immediate frustration spike. The thing is, this is true; I get interrupted a lot when I'm with other people. It's all well-meaning, but it deeply constrains what I can feel safe doing with my time.

I'm sure this is a problem other people have conquered. It's a deeply banal human issue, exacerbated by anxiety and circumstance. Not everyone struggles with it, but boy howdy, do I.

I guess quarantine hasn't really changed my day-to-day all that much, except to make it more of itself. Go figure.