practice

[jkatkina]

So follow-up to some of yesterday's navel-gazing (which I ended up talking with TL about with a bunch this morning, crystallizing some stuff), I'm trying to think of boots-on-the-ground strategies for rewiring some of the habits I talked about last post.

1. Less tumblr. not going to say no tumblr because I know myself and know cold-turkey doesn't work. "Less tumblr" also as a catch-all for rapidfire and algorithmic social media; I can't just start using facebook again instead and call this one done, lol


2. Strategic use of discord. i.e. cultivate the friendships and spaces I'm interested in instead of trying to be everywhere scattershot. This means using spaces for what they are good for, not what I want them to be good for.


3. Take the void I feel from the reduced time spent on 1 or 2 and turn that discomfort towards picking away at things that take time. I know from past experiences simply cutting stuff out doesn't work; I end up doing nothing if I haven't come up with a replacement behaviour, and it's bad for the long-term mental health. In this case I'm leaving it open-ended: read a book or a paper you've been putting off looking at. Pick away at a response to someone else's stuff (don't have to finish it, just have to put a little time in). Write a blog post. Meditate, or try to. Make the body move around or go outside. Think about some character or plot work I've been putting off.

I don't expect any of it to feel good: at this point I've kind of given up on the idea that my brain will chemically reward me for anything I actually want to be doing. That's the point: I want to start learning how to earn that slow dopamine.

Anyways, the habits hopefully I can do something about, and trust that my brain will slowly shift back towards something a little less wired towards constant small dopamine hits. I have no conceit that I'll get back everything I've lost, but just being able to focus a bit better will help. There are, after all, concrete things I can do to shift that.

The other stuff... I'll keep working on in the ways that I can, but that's way less concrete and way more, like, therapy-and-self-work based.

I've tried to keep the replacement behaviours to relatively low-stakes things. I'm not ready to start combining the dopamine rewiring with the creative and social fears, but that's the eventual hope.

and hey, I did this rather than scroll through tumblr. if both things are kind of meaningless uses of time then I haven't net lost anything by doing this, and have spent a little time reminding myself how to put words down in an order.

Comments

[lb_lee]

I mean, we're always excited to see another post from you! Every time you pop up, you say something insightful or interesting, and we would love to see more from you about your projects and what you're doing! (And having cross-coast chocolate parties.)

[jkatkina]

Agh, you guys make my day. (a couple of weeks later, even, haha) Yes to more cross-coast chocolate parties!

Re: body doubling mentioned in the comment below, I've had bad results with that in the past so probably not. I tend to get caught up in the hanging out and forget to do the project part, in all honesty! But thank you!

[lb_lee]

Legit! No problem, just figured we would offer!

Next time, as it gets colder, we can do a hot chocolate party! :D

[lb_lee]

Sneak: Also, would you be interested in maybe doing a "work on our own projects on Discord together" thing? We could just each work on a thing for a bit and chat off and on as we like!

[dray]

If nothing else, you started a conversation. (The irony in the moment that I read this being that I wanted to hit a reaction button instead of actually responding to it. The days of 'just jumping in and saying something' are long over for me, yikes.)

This seems like a good three-step process to think about and practice. Small chunks. Relatively easy to remember.

I want to dreamwidth more, too. I think it helps to put things into words, and I haven't in a very, very long time.

[jkatkina]

OUGHG GIRL I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. Anyways, I'm functioning under the hope that "long over" just means "direly out of practice".

I'd love to see you on here more. I miss reading about where you're at, I miss your insights, I value your words in longform as much as I do in person and in shortform. (JKat's been missing Dracothrope on LJ, is what I'm sayin!)

[dray]

Let's go with 'direly out of practice' and also 'forgets to check my email for several days at a go', whoops!

I'll do my best-- Especially while you're traveling it seems wise to keep the lines of communication open. I might even have more to say than "I MISS MY WIFE" but we shall see!

[prettyarbitrary]

I feel like I'm nosing around in personal stuff reading these, but I also feel like...I mean, wtf, are you ME?

Because oh my god I could've just about written these last few entries. The slow creeping grinding-down, the shift in my brain to mind-candy intake for quick dopamine with my creativity and deep engagement with friends suffering. My struggles to write when I feel like nobody else is interested in engaging with it either. The brain fog.

The brain fog is scary. Just these last few months, I've been feeling like I lose memory and orientation so much easier than I used to and it's spooky, isn't it? Same questions as you: age? ADHD? Chronic fatigue? Or have I just been giving in to the 'don't want to think about things' urge for long enough that I'm just starting to lose the ability? (Or did that happen a while ago and I've finally started working my way back to a point where I notice?)

Anyway I'm also in a very similar place to you regarding what I've decided to try to do about it. More slow, deep-thought stuff. More reading. BOOKS. More physical activity (I know for a fact I've been sitting too much, my hip flexors are telling the story).

Urgh. Anyway I'm afraid I don't have any great suggestions or anything, but for whatever moral support it's worth, fellow traveler here.

[jkatkina]

grips your shoulders. Arbi I'm so sorry you're in the same boat. I hate this for both of us and it sucks so bad.

You're right -- the brainfog is terrifying, in that dull, creeping, long-term way. I don't like feeling like I'm dissolving into fog: I don't actually want to fucking live in silent hill, you know? But at least I do think a lot of us are in that same dopamine boat: the internet is just Like That these days, and I think the more tired you get with holding down a living, the more vulnerable you are to that kind of crap.

"Or have I just been giving in to the 'don't want to think about things' urge for long enough that I'm just starting to lose the ability? (Or did that happen a while ago and I've finally started working my way back to a point where I notice?)" I have had this exact thought. Fuck. I do think caring takes effort, and energy, and practice. (screaming into the void: why does everything take effort, energy and practice)

Maybe we can keep each other company on the road to trying to reverse some of this. Case in point, I'm going to skive off work a bit early to go to the gym for the first time in weeks. If anything's gonna help with attention and brainfog there's at least good evidence that exercise might.

(also! yeah it's personal stuff but if I wasn't copacetic with it being read by friends, I wouldn't put it somewhere it could be read, lol. In my heart of hearts I'm an oversharer: I just like to leave it optional so other people can decide whether or not they want to get overshared-with.)

[prettyarbitrary]

Exercise, and working to live consciously in the moment you're in, and things that train your focus. Reading books, crafting, solving puzzles.

Oh my god yeah I need to exercise more. I've started doing squats and countertop pushups in the break room at work when I wait for my tea water to boil. I need to get out on more walks though. My doc actually gave me a physical therapy prescription because...basically I've been sitting so much my hip muscles are getting fucked up. So I guess that's one way to get exercise. :D