The thing I'm getting surgery on

[jkatkina]

The thing that I'm getting surgery for is an anomaly, and as such, doesn't have a set name. I used to refer to it as "the cysts" (back when it was two small nodules), "the hot mess" (when it got bigger), and now, after talking about it to a half dozen surgeons and interventional radiologists, "the vascular malformation" which is a mouthful.

In short: over the ribs of my left flank, probably when I was a fetus, some instructions got scrambled. There is a tangle of blood vessels and tissue, and a few firmer little nodules, that aren't there on other people. It's benign, except that it grows with the weight I gain and -- words from the vascular surgeon's mouth -- the lack of musculature bounding it means the vessels get "flabby" over time. Looser, squishier, bigger.

I've wanted it gone for probably a decade. I almost got it removed as a teenager, but it was much smaller then and I didn't want surgery. (I still don't, but hey, the only way to get it gone is surgery.)

It's a presence that I feel, on and off, but nearly all the time. It only rarely hurts, but it does ache, just barely sub-pain, most of the time. Like a constriction. Like an arm wrapped barely too tight in a tensor bandage, or breast tissue slightly tender with PMS. I can lay on it, sometimes, and when I can lay on it it's like laying directly on one breast, in fact. Sometimes it hurts and I can't lay on it. Sometimes it hurts even when I lay on my back. It never gets above about a pain scale 3, and that rarely, but a low-level constant pain is, well, it's a little distracting. It constrains my range of motion. Sometimes my bra band irritates it.

It's interesting having an asymmetry, because I can compare. I never think about my right ribs: I often think about my left. It feels at the same time both natural and normal, and deeply unnatural. It feels like a part of me, but it feels wrong. The "wrong" extends down to my waist, just touching my upper left pelvis, though I don't know if that's the malformation or the way my body compensates for it. There have been times, rarely, when it felt so wrong that it elicited panic -- "something's in my flesh that shouldn't be there, why is it there, something's in there". Very rare, but something in me knows it shouldn't be there. I think that there's a low level of tension on that side of my body at all times, a protective instinct. I don't like things touching it. This squishy mass feels vulnerable, somehow, deeply unprotected, like vitals on the outside of my ribcage. The muscles along my left spine are always a bit tighter than my right spine.

Anyways, this time next week I'll have a wound there instead, and this time next year it'll be a healed scar.

Comments

[lb_lee]

Surgery isn't fun, but sometimes it's necessary. I hope you get free of it and feel better afterward! It sounds... awkwardly uncomfortable.

[jkatkina]

Awkwardly uncomfortable is about the size and shape of it!

Thanks for the well wishes. It's not my first surgery, but certainly the first I'm old enough to remember. I admit I'm a bit scared, but also a bit curious. Trying to lean into the curious rather than the scared, hah!

[lb_lee]

Yeah, surgery is always a little bit stressful, even when it's wanted! Maybe try and see it as a scientific experiment, and try to be an observer about it? Take notes for future art projects, in case you ever need! (For my top surgery, I took reference sketches and notes as to how I felt for future creative reference.)

--Rogan

[jkatkina]

Man I really do love your pragmatic approach to this stuff, Rogan. I do intend to archive the experience, because I expect it'll be pretty singular. (maybe even here! I love written records!)

Ironically I was already, quietly, utilizing this whole thing as a kind of research for top surgery, which is a notion I periodically take out of my pocket, turn over for a while, and tuck away again. I'm curious and wary about the physical aspects of surgery, but also the emotional fallout and what kind of effect it'll have on my other chronic issues. The more data the better, right?

[lb_lee]

Yeah, I mean, vascular malformations aren't that common! Consider it niche research!

Admittedly, top surgery was a huge benny for me (more so than hormones, which I was only on for a relatively short time), but it did take me a couple months to recover from (and it cost me a LOT of money, though more insurances are covering it these days). Then again, my chest was a royal pain, and I was just unable to make friends with it, despite my efforts. (It wasn't just an abuse thing either, since I've been able to make friendly with other parts of my body that were huge abuse targets, like my wings.) It's not for everyone, though!

--Rogan

[kay_brooke]

I hope things go well! Surgery sucks.