And Baby Makes More
Jan. 4th, 2020 01:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jkatkinaBoy and howdy, I've been reading this anthology of queer story essays about known donors, and it is giving me feelings. And Baby Makes More.
A lot of them so far have to do with how family and the definitions around family change for the familial groups with a known donor. How the donor becomes part of the family, less than parent, more than a stranger, and has an interest in the child's growing.
There are a lot of queer parents in the book who stress about that connection. For my part, it sounds lovely.
I for many years held out hope that somehow we'd stumble into a fella we both took a shine to, and that the notion of a donor would arrive organically. If I'm honest, asking my brothers was a second fiddle to that lovely abstract -- but the reality is, at this point in my life I don't really have the time or inclination for polyamory, though I like it in theory. (We've also had a couple of rough experiences. Last time we delved, TL got her heart broken and I still have rage for the people who did it. They were our friends before that and even just by that fact, they had a responsibility to be kind. I'll tell that tale sometime.)
Failing that, there is a loveliness to the idea of finding another queer family with some sort of sperm-haver, and asking them to help us grow ours. It's a riskier proposition than brothers, but -- but it has the chance to grow our circle, and I love the notion of growing our circle.
I admit, since brother #2 is out of the runnings, I am feeling a pull to look at other options. When it was both, and we could anonymize, it felt very much to me like that not-knowing was a bequeathing: that it washed the DNA of traces of others, and became mine because I was the one laying claim to it.
Oh, it's a push and pull. I still feel a gut desire to see a child related to both her and I, but. But. Family is complicated, and faced with the chaos of options, I feel the same as when faced with a blank page.
A lot of them so far have to do with how family and the definitions around family change for the familial groups with a known donor. How the donor becomes part of the family, less than parent, more than a stranger, and has an interest in the child's growing.
There are a lot of queer parents in the book who stress about that connection. For my part, it sounds lovely.
I for many years held out hope that somehow we'd stumble into a fella we both took a shine to, and that the notion of a donor would arrive organically. If I'm honest, asking my brothers was a second fiddle to that lovely abstract -- but the reality is, at this point in my life I don't really have the time or inclination for polyamory, though I like it in theory. (We've also had a couple of rough experiences. Last time we delved, TL got her heart broken and I still have rage for the people who did it. They were our friends before that and even just by that fact, they had a responsibility to be kind. I'll tell that tale sometime.)
Failing that, there is a loveliness to the idea of finding another queer family with some sort of sperm-haver, and asking them to help us grow ours. It's a riskier proposition than brothers, but -- but it has the chance to grow our circle, and I love the notion of growing our circle.
I admit, since brother #2 is out of the runnings, I am feeling a pull to look at other options. When it was both, and we could anonymize, it felt very much to me like that not-knowing was a bequeathing: that it washed the DNA of traces of others, and became mine because I was the one laying claim to it.
Oh, it's a push and pull. I still feel a gut desire to see a child related to both her and I, but. But. Family is complicated, and faced with the chaos of options, I feel the same as when faced with a blank page.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-06 04:13 am (UTC)I read this and was touched by it, but am having trouble thinking of a response. I understand about wanting a larger family, a larger circle of light. I hope, by whatever strange path it comes, that you end up with it.