Momentous

[jkatkina]

The weather's been nice, so I've been walking at lunch rather than hanging around here, despite there being a great many things in the last few weeks very worth mentioning.

TL and I got married two Saturdays ago. Quietly but gleefully, on the 15th anniversary (more or less) of the day I first told her I liked her. We eloped, with a couple of friends for our witnesses and photographer, with a delightfully queer officiant. (Actually, I think it was statistically the queerest wedding I've ever heard of; there was only one nominally straight person there, and that truly is 'nominally' because his partner is trans and they married before his transition.) We did it in a beautiful independently-owned coffee shop near our place, one where we've spent many hours writing or just hanging out and being with each other. We dressed up -- she wore an off-white summer dress, I wore an off-white suit jacket and a waistcoat -- and we looked fabulous. TL made our bouquet.

It was everything I had hoped it would be: low-key, beautiful, utterly personalized and meaningful. Even kind of funny -- TL cracked a sweet gender joke during our vows, and after said vows, we realized we'd left the marriage license at home. Since home was 10 minutes away, this was hilariously embarrassing but ultimately fine... and our friend taking photos caught a couple of very cute shots during the moment we realized.

We took our friends out for barbeque and gelato after that, and then went home and packed for our two-day honeymoon in Victoria.

And now we're a couple of wives. Practically, it doesn't change much after fifteen years of coupled life, but it is a quiet, lovely thing that I carry around with me now. Married. Cool.

Why I wanted to elope is not so complex, but it is frustrating. Aside from the stress and expense of a wedding...

Years ago I would have been a bit appalled at the notion of elopement -- but years ago, you could get my parents in the same room without serious drama breaking out. After watching both of my brothers get married, and how much stress trying to deal with mom vs. dad caused in that process, it really turned me off the whole notion.

My parents have been split up for, no joke, most of my life. For the first tennish years of that mom tried to make like they were going to get back together. Then it was about three years of them awkwardly acknowledging they weren't going to get back together and were actually legally divorcing... and then after that, total fallout. My dad got a new partner. My mom could not handle it at all.

Dad and his new partner have been together almost as long as TL and I, and in all that time, my mom has had a boiling hatred for this other woman. So if I invite dad to events, it would be hella gauche not to invite his partner, but if I invite his partner, mom will melt the hell down.

I just wish they would be adults about it and find a way to work it out and be fucking civil. I guarantee you they both know that they're a big reason why I didn't want a ceremony. In some ways it makes me so angry.

But it is what it is. With that being the case, the only regrets I have doing it this way is I couldn't ask my brothers for a bachelor party, and I didn't get my dad to make a speech. All told, not bad.

Comments

[aim_of_destiny]

Congratulations to you and your new wife! :D

[jkatkina]

It is a delightful wiffery, thank you!

[kay_brooke]

Congratulations!

[jkatkina]

Thanks!

[shy_magpie]

Congratulations!

[jkatkina]

thank you!

[bookblather]

CONGRATULATIONS!!! I'm glad you had your happy low-key wedding.

I know it is possible to fucking civil adults about things; my parents have kind of a similar situation, but when my brother got married they were... grownups? And perfectly polite to each other? Because the day wasn't about them?

Ugh.

[jkatkina]

My mom "held it together" for my eldest brother's wedding, because my dad's partner wasn't invited... but for my middle brother's wedding, part of my job was to literally herd my mom around avoiding my dad and his new partner so that my sister-in-law didn't have to. because we all knew she couldn't handle her own shit if left to her own devices.

We're all kids pretending to be grown up, on some level, but sometimes I forget the downsides of how that manifests. :B

[bookblather]

Feh. It was really good of you to handle that for your brother, but you should not have to.

[jkatkina]

Yeah, there's really no upside.

Good on your parents for managing to rise above, in any case!

[corvi]

How wonderful! The clothes sound especially delightful! Congratulations, and I hope your honeymoon is going great!

[jkatkina]

It was lovely. :D Victoria's beautiful.

[corvi]

If you ever find yourself in Victoria with a couple spare hours, drop me a line. We can go to the boardgame cafe or something!

[jkatkina]

oh snap, you're actually in Vic? What even are the chances. Cool!

Likewise, if you ever end up in Vancouver, drop us a line!

[lb_lee]

Mazel tov! And kudos on being able to have the wedding/elopement that you wanted, and avoiding the whole shitshow. There is a HUGE amount of pressure, I think, to have weddings a certain way, even when we don't actually want to have them that way, so it's good you were able to do what was right for y'all!

[jkatkina]

It was honestly a revelation when I realized "oh, we don't HAVE to do it that way..."

upside is we now get to throw a party at some point with a wholly non-awkward, friends-based guest list! wooh!

[lb_lee]

Oh man, same here! Just being like, "wait... I can get married... HOWEVER I WANT 8D" was like discovering the world was made entirely of candy!

Love-parties for the win!

[jkatkina]

Ha, isn't it? We got there by hearing about our sister-in-law's sister eloping. When we ended up telling her about it (we hang with Jenn's family regularly, they're cool people) she laughed and said we'd managed to undercut even her level of fuss! Feels good man

So how did you guys do it? What fuss level did you enjoy?

[lb_lee]

Oh, we were pretty bare bones. We rented a tiny chapel space for a couple hours (only cost us a couple hundred bucks, which we got a temp job to raise), invited a handful of friends, and put them up in the rooming house we lived in. Baked our own wedding cake. Had a blast.

A+ love-party, no regrets!